Rowena suffered neonatal loss after delivering her twins at 8 months’ gestation. Her joy at having a boy and a girl quickly dissolved when it became clear that both were struggling to adapt to the world outside of the womb. This is her story:
It was my second pregnancy. I never expected to conceive again. My first child was only a year old. Then again, who was I to question God’s will?
As my son was very active, it was an extremely difficult struggle to look after him, be pregnant, and take care of the house especially being alone. Still, it was my choice to keep going.
With the life inside me growing, so did my tummy. I remained in good health because I made sure to go for all my prenatal check ups.
Joy and Suffering
One day, when I was 8 month pregnant, my son suddenly hit my tummy while we were playing. I was in so much pain and had to be rushed to the nearest hospital.
The doctors immediately did a caesarian section on me. I was unaware of what happened because they had placed me under general anaesthesia. When I woke up, my mother told me that I had twins. I was so happy because I never expected to have twins – my doctor never it either. Not only that, I had both a boy and a girl. Everyone was so excited. Sad to say, they were both placed into incubators as they were premature.
As days went by, tears filled my eyes seeing that they were both suffering. They had needles poking into their head and feet. It was so heart wrenching as a mother to see my children beginning life in this world in pain. I prayed to the Lord silently.
‘Please God Almighty, if these twins are for me, thank You so much for wonderful gift. If they are not, take them back to your kingdom to angels rather than suffer with needles all over their bodies.
I needed to accept whatever the outcome was.
On the third day, my baby girl passed away. She could not take it anymore. Baby boy continued fighting and it made me so happy. But on the fifth day, he left too. It really shattered my world. It was difficult to accept but I had promised them, and myself, that I needed to be prepared and let them go. Life must go on even after my twin neonatal loss because I still had my eldest son who needed me.
The hospital prepared everything so I could return home and see my twins at the funeral. They were really perfect – their pinkish skin, pointed noses, nice eyes, the shape of the lips… They were really beautiful. No wonder God took them from me. Their angelic faces belonged in Heaven. Everyone agreed they were beautiful. They needed to go back to where they belong.
His Will be Done
When I was alone, I prayed to thank God that there was no more pain and worry. His will had been done. I focused on getting health back and looking after my son.
A few months later, I fell pregnant again. This time, the baby was really for me. I advice to every parent in this world is this: Everything is in its perfect time. Don’t lose hope. In every trial, there is bright sunshine waiting to come out.
Rowena is a mother of two angel babies, and two teenage sons. She is originally from The Philippines but now lives and works in Singapore. Experiencing neonatal loss was harrowing for her, but her faith has helped see her through it. She is a positive light to those she meets with the optimistic disposition she carries with her everywhere she goes.