When God speaks after a miscarriage, it is often very difficult to hear Him. When we are unable to listen, He somehow finds other ways to speak to us.
My Christian Life
I have never been the staunchest of Christians, not even close. Most of my life, I have been half-hearted about going to church. More often than not, I opt for the comfort of my bed than an early morning service. No matter how energised I feel after songs of worship, my eyelids grow heavy with sleep mere minutes into the sermon.
My sense of belonging in church can be described as a blur. I love the older aunties and uncles there, who accept me and love me wholeheartedly. Those around my age though, I have always found difficult to blend in with aside from one or two.
Still, I know with certainty that I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. And I am sure that His blood has healed and saved me. He sustained me through my years of struggle with anorexia, and He continues to sustain me after our miscarriage.
Mum handed me a booklet – Our Daily Bread, while I was in hospital. I stopped reading it after my discharge only to pick it up again a month or so after.
For weeks, I read the day’s sharing only to find nothing speaking to me. On October 5, the reading from Deuteronomy 32: 7-12 says “He shielded him and cared for him… like and eagle… that hovers over its young.” I wondered,
Why had God not hovered over us while I laid in hospital, still pregnant with our triplets?
Why were my babies not saved and shielded from Death?
Why did Betty’s (the person this writer was sharing about) daughter live and not my children?
October 7 shares about Karen Wolfe’s pain of infertility. But,
Where was her happy ending?
After waiting and calling on God, where was her answer?!
I felt as though there was a lack of closure that I needed to hear.
The Clockmaker’s Daughter
The Clockmaker’s Daughter is the book I am currently reading. This morning, I finally felt as thought God was speaking. It seems like when God speaks, it doesn’t always come through bible verses.
“Time only moved in one direction. And it didn’t stop. It never stopped moving, not even to let a person think. The only way back was in one’s memories.”
This passage reminded me of why I consciously chose to keep moving forward every day instead of dwelling on grief. There is only so much time that we have on this Earth, in this life. We can choose to let moments pass us by, or grab onto them. I want to live my life on behalf of my angels who didn’t, knowing that every day brings me closer to seeing them.
Light in Darkness
“‘… even inside the darkest box there are pinpricks of light.’… ‘And it’s true, Mummy. I saw them inside the hidey-hole. You can only see them from inside… there are hundreds of little lights in there, twinkling in the dark.”
I remember when I was younger, sharing with my parents thoughts on darkness and light. “Light always trumps darkness“, I said, “Because in the darkest of places, all you need is a tiny hole and light can shine through. In the light, however, dark cannot pass.”
This short extract from The Clockmaker’s Daughter helped me recall that even in our blackest of days, all we need is a little hope and a dash of faith. Even if hope and faith come only in the size of a mustard seed, light will find its way through.
Speaking of Mustard Seeds…
He set another parable before them, saying, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; which indeed is smaller than all seeds. But when it is grown, it is greater than the herbs, and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in its branches.” – Matthew 13:31–32
Just as the tiniest of Faith can grow broad and lofty, all we need is a spark of hope to enable light to enter our hearts, penetrate our bones, and flood through our souls.
Turning Back the Clock
Interestingly, as I was writing this post, the verse from earlier, Deuteronomy, made me think that perhaps God was hovering over me. My dear babies had to be sacrificed in order to save me. Even if I would have rather sacrificed myself for my babies, I guess God knows better what needed to be done. It is difficult for us as humans, to understand how He thinks. Still, we have to let go and allow Him to take the wheel, trusting in His perfect plans.
As for Karen Wolfe’s cry to conceive, sometimes there are no answers. Yet. It may feel as though God is doing nothing, but God hears our burdens and bears them for us. In His time, He will give an answer.
It was through wanting to write this post that I had to revisit previous pages from Our Daily Bread. My reading book was merely a catalyst to bring me back to those stories and verses. It made it realise that God was speaking to me all along – asking me to continue walking in faith even when lost; to keep finding light in darkness; to allow Him to show me His purpose for me.
It is difficult to hear God speak after a miscarriage, especially when we are drowning in sorrow. With hindsight, I can see that there have been numerous occasions where God has prodded me along. On days where I have felt down, I have been lifted back up. When I feel discouraged, words appear and reassure me that things will get better. As usual, friends and family check in on me from time to time, keeping me afloat.
More often than not, I am doing well – emotionally and physically.
Am I fearful of trying to conceive again and falling pregnant again? Sure I am.
Do I still think of our babies? Of course!
Do I still wonder if things could have been different? For Sure.
I also know that Time waits for no one and it is only through my memories that I am reunited with my babies. At least, until it is my turn to enter the Forever. Life may have thrown us into the eye of a catastrophic thunderstorm, but we will hold on. We’ll continue to reconstruct the brokenness around us, fortifying them with God’s infinite grace, love and wisdom.