As I type this, I am trying to convert the ‘What If’s into ‘What Is’.
This morning, I woke up and looked at the date on my phone – November 4. Familiar. Within seconds, as my brain started to wake up, I remembered why. If we had gotten through our time in hospital; If we had pushed my pregnancy as far as possible with the intrahepatic cholestasis, our triplets would be here. Today.
What if I never developed a womb infection; or perhaps if it was due to cervical incompetence that I lost our babies – what if my cervix was stronger?
What would life be like now if I had delivered them all today? Would I be experiencing the bliss of motherhood, or struggling to cope?
What if God took them away because I may not be a good mother? Or because I have sinned so badly that this is my punishment?
‘What if’s are questions that run through my mind, but refuse to be answered. They threaten to break me and haunt me. They make me feel powerless, lost, and afraid of the future.
As I was flipping through the ‘grief’ themes of Our Daily Bread this morning, I realised that it isn’t the ‘what if’s, but the ‘what is’, that I should focus on.
What is, is that our babies are long in heaven; that we will never forget them; that we will always love them.
What is, is that Florian and I are still clinging onto each other; moving forward together; looking ahead together.
What is, is that we have to continue trusting in God’s plan; believing that His plans and purposes for us are always good; that we are blessed and will continue to be.
Focusing on ‘what is’, enables us to keep our eyes on the light. It helps give us strength in knowing that there is Hope ahead. It also reminds us that as fearful as we may be, Hope is much, much bigger than Fear.
When faced with uncertainty of the future, we have the power to choose and make our choices with conviction. While wonderings of ‘what if’ can hold us down, making the choice to move forward no matter how difficult can serve to strengthen us.
Addressing ‘what is’ allows us to take control of a situation we had no control over. In doing so, we take back the ability to decide how to make of what comes next. We can fix our eyes on our Faith and allow ourselves to grow; or we can shrink back and live as shadows of ourselves.
Today, I miss our babies. I know it is natural to wonder what could have been. It’s strange because I feel like I’ve reached a good place emotionally and psychologically. Then, WHAM! This morning, my heart felt so, incredibly weighted down. Again, I know that these days are normal. They have come to be fewer and further apart. And that is – what is, is okay.