Florian and I are looking forward to trying again although there is the hiccup of dealing with infertility after our miscarriage. It feels like a lifetime ago that we lost our triplets. In reality, it has only been a few months. We have heard many stories of miscarriages, multiple miscarriages, still births… during this time. And we have heard many that go on to having healthy pregnancies and strong babies.
I have been back to see our fertility doctor, Dr V. If all goes well, we will begin the process of SO-IUI once more. I wondered out loud to Dr V whether IVF may be a better choice since the number of eggs being implanted can be controlled. However, she maintained that IUI is less invasive and therefore, more ideal for us at the moment. Moreover, our previous pregnancy lasting into the second trimester indicated that we have no issue getting and staying pregnant. We will have to take it slow with the medications though, to ensure a maximum of two mature follicles. Any more and we will have to abort. Only then will we switch to IVF.
I feel extremely impatient in wanting to start a cycle again. I have been back on HRT to create a regular cycle. Dr V ordered for a sonohysterogram (SIS) to make sure there is no scarring on my cervix from the miscarriage. To my annoyance, my period does not seem to want to make an appearance this month. The stress I am feeling towards wanting it to come is making me even more distressed.
I am trying not to think that we may need to delay everything by yet another month because of this SIS. And if there is scarring, that will have to be dealt with. This scares me. The thought of more procedures and more delays scare me. Even though I understand that it will smooth the way ahead. My question is whether an SIS is absolutely necessary in the first place.
Only after this meeting with Dr V have I finally started to grasp the fact that I am infertile. It’s strange because I never really considered that ‘label’ as applicable to me, even after all my years of secondary amenorrhea. Even after seeing Dr V and being diagnosed with it, it never felt real.
Infertility simply felt too faraway for me to accept. Even as Florian and I went through IUI, I thought of medical help as simple assistance to falling pregnant. The truth is though, I have to depend entirely on fertility treatment in order to conceive. These few months after our miscarriage, the thought that we could be actively trying if I had a regular, working cycle, has been niggling at me. Instead, all we can do is wait upon fertility experts to decide when we can start a new cycle; what other scans we need to go for; which drug to administer to me next.
I have wished countless times to be taken by surprise – that by some miraculous feat, I ovulated naturally. I have imagined that as some women have said, pregnancy somehow kickstarted their system to becoming more fertile. Unfortunately, I don’t think that has happened for me.
A Heavy Heart
It makes my heart heavy thinking that whenever Florian and I are intimate, there is near 0% chance of falling pregnant. I want to say it’s impossible but I guess it isn’t really. Yes, intimacy is also for the emotion well-being of our relationship. However, knowing just how much we both want children disheartens me – that our acts of love will never really materialise into new life. Not without medical intervention.
Dealing with infertility after our miscarriage has created in me a sense of brokenness and helplessness.
I am hardly the most patient person in this world. I don’t pretend to be. So all this waiting is making me extremely frustrated. Yet, I know that I simply have to keep breathing and trusting in the process. I have to continue to believe that God has His time, and it will come.
I know that this post may not be quite in line with pregnancy/infant loss, but I believe there are many women too, dealing with infertility after their miscarriage. This makes trying again even more of a struggle because conceiving is no longer simple and straightforward.
There is a sense of vulnerability that I feel of being at the mercy of medical professionals. It feels as though if I refuse a certain scan, I will not be allowed to start a new cycle; that having lost the babies, protocol for me will differ from other patients; that whatever happens, we have to trust that they have our best interests in mind.
I find uncertainty difficult to sit with, but at this point, there is little else I can do. Still, as with all things, Time will unveil what lies ahead and I know that everything will be okay. No matter how slowly Time is creeping, we will get there eventually.